Fee talks about her burnout during her final study year
‘At every stress moment I reached for a cigarette’
Fee is the guest blogger of this edition of HZ Life. She talks about a vulnerable subject close to her heart. When Fee was allowed to graduate from the Communication course, she fell into burnout.
During her recovery, she discovered ways to strengthen her mental health. To inspire you, she has put her story candidly on paper.
‘Just hang in there Fee, these are the last bits!’ On the first day of my graduation internship, I was there, but then again, I wasn't. As I stared at my laptop screen, everything raced past me. My heart rate shot up like I was running a marathon. An intense heat surged through my body, and it felt like all the blood was draining from my face. I rushed to the toilet, where I burst into tears. A panic attack.
I couldn't go any further and went home. That same afternoon at the GP's office, the high word came out: ‘You have burnout.’ My research proposal had already been approved, but I could no longer finish my internship.
Social pressure, perfectionism and fear of failure Was it a surprise? Not really. I kept moving forward, trying to balance all parts of my life. I had to re-learn about my body, being in the middle of my transition. Social contacts are important to me, so I wanted to maintain those too. Mental health, hobbies, my side job ánd graduating. I went beyond my own limits until I had no energy left. Social pressure, perfectionism and fear of failure played a role in my life. So it is not surprising that I eventually got burnt out. I have since learned that it is good to be sharp in this performance-oriented society. But it is even more important to find space for relaxation outside productive hours. During my recovery, I have found ways to balance this.
‘The gym turned out to be a gamechanger. I was getting healthier and stronger. Physically, but also mentally.’
Dealing with the mental challenges At every stressful moment, I would reach for a cigarette. In the short term, that seemed to numb me for a while, but it ended up making me feel bad. I looked for new, healthy ways to blow off steam. The gym turned out to be a game-changer. It brought structure to my life and after every session I felt fulfilled. In the long run, I was getting healthier and stronger. Physically, but also mentally.
My perfectionism made it hard to accept mistakes, but I realised that the world does not end when something goes wrong. I also stopped comparing myself to peers. Everyone walks a different path. I am the only one living my life, so it is impossible to be ‘behind’ compared to myself. That thought gives me peace of mind. Talking helps! Before, I was always very closed. I didn't want to bother anyone with my personal challenges. What if they found me irritating and excessive? What if I was too much? Eventually, I learnt that people around me were happy to listen to me. My family and friends offered me support and understanding when I needed it most.
I also requested an interview with Petra, student psychologist at HZ. She made me feel that I was not alone during this hectic period. She was a listening ear for me and helped me put challenges into perspective.
By finding healthy hobbies, resting and talking, I have since managed to keep my head above water again. Life is full of challenges, but also lots of gifts. Cliché, but true.
Fee recovered for six months. She then started her graduation project again with fresh courage. She has since graduated and has her Communication Bachelor of Arts degree in her pocket.